Beyond: Moving Forward
by Midnite Solistace
Summary: Jodie has some big decisions to make. The first choice between life or death seemed easy. That is until she realised choosing life meant a life without Aiden. Now she has to learn to move forward, but can she do it with Ryan, even though he reminds her of everything she's trying to forget? JodiexRyan
1. Pen-To-Paper

***First up lets say Spoilers if you're yet to finish.***

**I finished Beyond today and after multiple playthroughs of the Black Sun I was inspired to write. Now I know a lot of people can't get past Ryan's little deception but I love him so I poke my tongue out and say "neh" to those people. If you don't like Jodie and Ryan then don't read.**

**And I'm not entirely one-minded I was very tempted to send her back to Jay and the Navajo for a fresh start. **

**But again after multiple playthroughs of accepting and rejecting Ryan's offer of a relationship, killing and not killing both him and Jodie or just one or the other, I saw the lengths he was willing to go for her forgiveness.**

**That's the problem with people only doing things once and that's it. (No offense) BUT, there are SO many different possibilities and you see a lot of different sides to the characters. The writing below reflects my favourite aspects of my different playthroughs. **

**I have also never written in the first person before (ALWAYS third-person) so please be kind.**

**Anyway now that that's over with, enjoy my little fic and drop me a review of your thoughts, and if I should continue. xxx**

* * *

**Pen-To-Paper**

I chose life. The decision had been simple. I had been through so much, suffered through so much, lived through so much that it couldn't have all been for nothing. I could be anybody that I wanted to be now. I could be Jodie Holmes. I could be Elizabeth North, hell I could be Jodie Clayton for all I knew. Ryan loves me; he's proven that to me over and over again over the last few hours. Sure we might have issues but who doesn't?

When I woke up in his arms, I could hear him uttering that we were alive. I was just as surprised as he was. But something was wrong. I could feel it, in the pit of my stomach. Something was missing. I wearily got to my feet and asked aloud "Aiden?" He wasn't there. Ryan was gazing around the room at the destruction that lay at our feet.

"We made it. Jodie we made it." Ryan wanted me to be excited. But I couldn't find Aiden.

"Aiden?" I asked again. Still nothing. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. I fell to my knees and started crying. Finding out that Aiden was my twin brother . . . suddenly made it that much worse. For so long I wanted to be rid of him, but he was my brother, and he was just trying to protect me. The sobbing was uncontrollable. I felt Ryan sit down behind me and when he pulled me into his chest comfortingly I let go entirely. We rocked back and forth and he kissed my hair, my shoulder, I'm not sure how long we sat there. I suppose it was until the military came in searching for bodies. The look of surprise on their faces when they found us alive was gold.

"Jodie?" Ryan whispered in my ear. "Jodie come on, it's time to go." He pulled me to my feet. A soldier approached with a blanket. Ryan took it from the man and wrapped it around my shoulders. An officer stepped forward too, wanting to question us but Ryan cut him off abruptly. "Not now. The interrogation can wait." He insisted, and I was happy for the reprieve. He steered me toward the door. We walked past Nathan's body. The man had been the only real father I had known, and in the end he turned his gun on me. My shoulder stung where the bullet had entered. If Aiden hadn't of intervened, Nathan would have finished the job. I hate to think what else might have happened. We walked down the hallways and found Cole being lifted up on a medical Gurney. He was alive. I had never been happier to see anybody before. I pushed past the paramedics and grasped his hand.

"Cole?"

"Hey Princess. You made it."

I smiled and another tear slid down my cheek.

"You too."

Ryan came and stood next to me.

"Hey buddy."

"Ryan . . . you take care of this girl you understand."

"I will . . . if she'll let me." He grinned. His smile still gave me butterflies.

The entire CIA complex was in ruins but Ryan got me outside where there were a number of ambulances waiting to treat people. He sat me down and got my arm looked at. I was grateful he was there to take control of everything; I didn't have the strength. I didn't say much as the medic extracted the bullet, or while the wound was being stitched. I had too much to think about.

"Jodie?" Ryan roused me from my thoughts. "I have to go talk to the authorities, but I won't be long. I'll let the medics finish stitching you up."

I nodded and he kissed me briefly on the lips before walking over to a cluster of officers.

I stood up and felt around to my back pocket, extracting the envelope. I had forgotten all about this, the passport and the five-hundred-thousand dollars. When Nathan had offered it to me, I considered shoving it back in his face. I wanted nothing from the CIA. Then again, I wasn't sure what my plan was and the money would prove useful. A safety net if nothing else. I'm still not sure what my plans are. I had told Ryan that I wanted to try to make it work. He had been prepared to accept me and Aiden together. It meant a lot and I love him for it. I do love him . . . what he did, the lies, it still hurts, but he was following orders. I realised after Kazirstan that I was no better than him. I followed McGrath's orders so that I could take my freedom. But even though I love Ryan I'm still no closer to figuring out who I am.

Without Aiden here to guide me I feel lost. I always had Aiden to think about in every decision I made. I miss him so much already. If I go with Ryan now . . . I'm just getting his hopes up. It's not fair to tell him that I want to make a life with him when I have no idea what living really is. I can't go with him. I don't want to hurt him but if he loves me he'll understand. He's walking back over to me. I bit down on my lip, trying to hold down the tears but I couldn't.

"Ryan . . . there's something I need to tell you." I looked down trying to avoid his face. I couldn't back out now.

"What's wrong?" He brushed the tears from my face. "What's all this?"

"I can't go with you." I blurted out. "I need time . . . Aiden's gone and . . . it hurts so much. I'm so confused and I just don't know what I want. I'm sorry Ryan."

He took my hands in his. He brought them up to his lips and kissed them gently.

"It's ok Jodie. You take as long as you need. I'll be here for you in whatever you choose to do."

With McGrath dead I had to report to his second-in-command for my official CIA debrief. What a load of shit. Afterwards I told him that the CIA had better leave me alone or they would never get my co-operation again. I also warned him that their cheque had better not bounce. The CIA didn't know Aiden was gone and I smiled at the thought that Aiden would find my threat humorous.

I said goodbye to Cole and to Ryan. He kissed me again, one last time and asked me to let him know that I was safe.

* * *

I used the money to buy a cabin out in the Alaskan wilderness. No one would find me here.

When my memories began disintegrating, I was terrified of losing my mind. I had no idea what day it was anymore and I was struggling to remember whole pieces of my life. I frantically wrote day and night to get it all down on paper. If I was going to forget completely then I needed to be able to read it back to myself. The writing was therapeutic. Re-living the parts that hurt the most . . . being suicidal, almost freezing to death, finding out Ryan had deceived me. Finding out that my upbringing had all been staged and my mother was drugged into a coma to keep her quiet. Being interrogated in the underwater base and knowing that Ryan's life was in my hands . . . all of that paled in comparison to the good parts.

So much good had come out of a life that seemed destined to fail. I brought hope to a group of homeless people that had nothing and inspired them to turn it all around. I found inner peace out in the Desert and saved the ranchers from the evils of the Infraworld. I would always have a home with either of them. Stan and his group took me in when I had nothing. Jay, Cory and Paul were willing to give me a fresh start. And Jay . . . he was strong, handsome, and he looked pretty good with his shirt off too. There was nothing more honest than getting your hands dirty and working the land. I knew I could find peace there again. I wouldn't have to think about my life with the CIA again.

Then there was Ryan. Every time I look at him I'm going to be reminded of the CIA and what they've done to me. But he's proved to me time and time again how much he loves me. He's risked his life for mine more than once. He's brave, easy on the eye, and honest. Even Aiden warmed up to him in the end.

* * *

Aiden . . . I miss him so much I can't stop crying. Years of loving him and hating him, sometimes both at once. Wishing he would leave me alone so I could live a normal life. But to find out he's my twin brother . . . I feel like a part of me has been amputated. I've lost my mother to her drug-riddled coma, my brother is gone and Nathan's gone too.

By the time I finished putting pen to paper I realised I should be focusing my energy on the positives. Cole had made it. And Ryan . . . if I didn't give it a shot with him then I would forever be asking myself "what if?" He would be the one who got away. His words echoed in my head. It had been months but I still heard them as though he said them to me moments ago. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy." I took a deep breath. If it doesn't work with Ryan it's not like I don't have other options. Aiden wouldn't want to see me like this, he wouldn't want me to be upset, and I don't think he would want me to spend the rest of my life alone either. It had been months . . . would he still be waiting for me. Would he still want me? There's only one way to find out.

When I arrived at Ryan's house, I took a deep breath and pressed the buzzer. There was no answer and so I knocked on the door for a moment or two. Still nothing, maybe he was out. There was no car in the driveway. Sighing, I sat down on the porch steps waiting patiently. There was no need to freak out. I had made my decision. It only took half an hour or so and Ryan's car pulled up. He hopped out of the car with his back to me and a paper bag under one arm. He had just been out at the store. When he turned around and saw me he dropped the bag to the pavement and stared at me. I think he was almost trying to work out if he was imagining me or not. I smiled at him and he grinned back. I walked toward him and he closed the distance within a second. His hands held my arms and his lips were on mine before I could think. When we broke apart, he whispered "You're here."

"I'm here." I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a tired smile.

"Does this mean? ..."

"I want to try . . . if you still want to?"

"Jodie . . . I want to." Ryan couldn't take the grin off of his features.

Bringing the conversation back to reality, I had to interject. "It's not going to be easy. I'm still grieving. I still have issues. We're going to have to work at this."

"So we'll take it slow, as slow as you need. I'm just glad you're here." He wrapped his arms around me and I sank into them. It felt so nice. "Come inside."

Ryan turned around to collect up his shopping off of the sidewalk and reached around in his pocket for his keys. "I wasn't expecting company so I've been cooking for one. I'll order take-out tonight and I'll cook for you tomorrow."

"That sounds amazing. I haven't had a lot of time to practice my cooking skills."

"How have you been eating for the last few months?"

"Not very well." I laughed. It was the first time I had laughed in months. "Ryan; I've missed you."

He kissed the top of my head before leading me inside. "I've missed you too, Jodie."

For the first time in a long time I felt as though I could switch off all of the thoughts inside my head, and simply exist.


	2. Blush

**A big thank you to everybody who reviewed the last chapter, I have gone over it and done some editing, and made a few changes here and there too so it might be worth a re-read. The support has been completely overwhelming though so again thanks everyone. Chap 2 is here, so please enjoy. Huge thank you for Nenalata for the constructive criticism, it's made me really think before I type.**

**Enjoy and R&R xxxx**

* * *

**Blush**

He led me inside and I looked around his house with interest. It was quaint, but it was nice. I sat down on the sofa while Ryan unpacked the groceries in the kitchen. It didn't take him long and he sat down next to me, handing me a tall glass of water which I took eagerly.

"Thank you." The water was refreshing as it hit the back of my throat, buying me at least a few more seconds to prepare for the uncomfortable small talk I knew would be coming.

"So how have you been?"

I smiled as he tried to fill the silence.

"I've been doing ok. I keep thinking that Aiden will come back, but he hasn't. He's gone to the other side."

"How does that make you feel?" Ryan's tone wasn't judgmental, curious more than anything.

"I miss him. It turns out that he wasn't just some random entity . . . he was my twin brother. He died at birth, strangled on the umbilical cord."

Ryan looked shocked.

"Jodie I'm sorry. That's awful."

"I think that's why he always tried to scare away any guys that showed an interest in me. He wasn't trying to be possessive. He was just being my brother." I smiled fondly at the thought.

"It certainly explains a lot." Ryan reached over and took one of my hands in his. "I want to say something."

"Ok . . . " I was always slightly concerned when he would start the 'deep and meaningfuls'.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've acted like an absolute idiot. The first time that I told you that I loved you we were freezing to death in the snow."

"Not you're most romantic moment."

"But I made you feel obligated to say it back, we were dying. I would have let you off the hook."

I shook my head but he persisted.

"And then I pressured you into a relationship when you clearly weren't ready. I was only thinking about myself."

"I've never felt obligated to do something before in my life. Have you ever known me not to speak my mind?"

"You're pretty pigheaded sometimes." Ryan grinned at me.

"Only sometimes?" I was teasing him now and he leaned in for a kiss. I halted him with my fingers on his lips, needing to say something first. "I want to sleep on the sofa tonight. If I sleep in your bed . . . things will move too fast."

"You weren't complaining the last time." He was kidding around with me. His hand brushed lightly across the curve of my jeans so I hit him back playfully. His touch brought back the memories of our first date and the way he made love to me sent the colour back into my cheeks.

"Ok . . . I'll set up the bed in the guest room."

"I'm going to go take a shower while we wait for the food to get here." I stood up and stretched.

"Sure. The bathroom is just down the hall, make yourself at home." He answered me.

I got up and took my bag down to the bathroom. I travelled light. It was something I learnt from constantly skipping from place to place. I found a fresh towel in the cupboard stripped off my clothes and turned the water on. It felt amazing on my tired muscles. Once I was refreshed, I stepped out of the steam and dried off with the towel. I pulled on some underwear and a T-shirt before looking at my face in the bathroom mirror. I looked like a wreck. I didn't think I had been this tired in a long time. I could hear Ryan messing about in the kitchen so I took the opportunity to take a look around his house.

His bedroom was next door to the bathroom, he had a king-sized bed and a walk in closet, but it was only lightly furnished, like most of the house. I suppose he didn't need much living on his own. I wandered around his room, ignoring the feeling that I was being intrusive. I picked up a photo he had in a frame sitting on his dresser. It was from years ago, when I had first joined the CIA. It was our team, the four of us. I had just passed my final training assessment and we had all been celebrating. I put the photo down and went back into the kitchen.

I watched him put the Chinese food onto the counter so I pulled out a stool and sat down.

"So . . . what have you been doing with yourself? Have you gone back to work?" I shoveled a spoonful of rice into my mouth. I was starving.

Ryan seemed to hesitate before he answered me. I would have thought he had learnt not to lie to me by now. "The CIA is trying very hard to get me back. With McGrath gone there's been a change in the hierarchy. Every time they approach me they've sweetened the deal just a bit more. Currently I'm on an indefinite leave of absence."

I tried to keep my voice level and not show that I was angry. "But you're considering their offer?"

For a fleeting moment I felt as though I had made a huge mistake.

"Jodie I had to be realistic here. There was every chance that you weren't coming back. I have to pay the bills somehow. I know they're still researching the other side, and I think about what they did to you . . . I don't want any part of that. The only angle I can see where it would be beneficial for us is that I would know what they're planning. I could make sure they would never touch you again."

"You can't guarantee that, nobody can." I snapped. What made it worse is that I didn't have Aiden to protect me now. It was up to me. I took a breath before continuing. "What if I told you that money didn't have to factor into your decision?"

"What do you mean?" He asked after a fork full of noodles.

I didn't want to reveal the extent of my new found wealth, not just yet anyway. I had to be sure I could trust him.

"Just run with me for a second. If you didn't have to worry about the big-paying job, what would you do instead?"

Ryan looked puzzled but answered me anyway. "I've got some friends down at the cop shop; the Precinct can always use well-trained officers. It's in my line of work and I would still be helping people." He cleared up the take-away containers and we moved to the sofa.

"There's no point in putting all of my training to waste."

His answer surprised me; it wasn't something I had been expecting.

"A man in uniform? I think I like the sound of that."

Ryan grinned and I couldn't help but close the distance. The kiss was soft and sweet and it felt just like the first time. He deepened the kiss and I didn't argue. I pushed him down into the cushions and his hands began to slip under my T-shirt, roaming over my back. I lifted my head, reluctantly pulling my lips off of his.

A small moan escaped him. "Are you sure you want to sleep in the guest room?"

A part of me wanted to follow him to his room while another part of me wasn't quite ready to open myself up this much again. "Give me some time ok?" I was close, but not quite ready.

Ryan kissed me again and pulled me gently by the hand. He walked me to the door of my room.

"We've got all the time in the world baby."

"I'll see you in the morning." I kissed him goodnight.

That night I fell asleep almost immediately. It was nice to feel like I was somewhere I could call home. Exhaustion washed over me and it didn't take long before the dreams began. I was back at the CIA, strapped vertically to the medical bed. McGrath was standing over me, taunting me. I couldn't move; I couldn't do anything. Some men brought Ryan into the room and forced him to his knees. He was bruised and bleeding and had clearly put up a fight. I tried to struggle free and help him but I couldn't. McGrath told me that I had betrayed them and now Ryan would have to pay the price. They restrained him by strapping him to a second bed and began to cut into his flesh with a butcher's knife, his blood running everywhere. I cried out for them to stop. McGrath told me the only way to make it stop was to call forth my entity and make him stop it. I told them again and again that Aiden was gone but they didn't believe me. They cut into his arms. They cut into his chest. His screams hit me at my very core. When the interrogator moved the knife up to his face, I begged them to stop. Ryan screamed again, this time it was a deep guttural scream and when the man with the knife stepped aside he revealed Ryan with only a bleeding socket where his left eye used to be.

I shot up in the bed; sweat pouring off me. I was crying too. I told myself to pull it together, that it was only a dream. The CIA would continue to haunt me; we would never be safe again. I crept straight down the hallway to Ryan's room and in the darkness, found his bed. I slipped into the covers and wound my arms around his middle. He was warm and it made me realise how bitterly cold my skin was against his.

"Jodie?" I had woken him up.

"Go back to sleep." I murmured into his back. I couldn't keep my voice from shaking.

I felt his weight shift as he reached over to turn on his lamp.

"What's wrong?"

"It was just a bad dream. I'll be fine . . . but do you think you could hold me?"

With a defeated shrug of his shoulders he switched off his light and moved back to lie down next to me. He tucked in behind me so that we were spooning and when his arms snaked around me I placed my hands over top of his. I felt safe for the first time since I could remember. He kissed my shoulder, my neck, anywhere he could reach without breaking our hold. He didn't ask me to tell him about it, for which I was grateful; I would tell him in the morning. Maybe.

* * *

The nightmare recurred the next night and the night after that. I had moved into Ryan's room almost immediately with the naive assumption that if he was spooning me it might keep the dreams away.

I wasn't sure what was worse; the night terror's I experienced from the monsters as a child or watching as my boyfriend has his eye removed every night. My screams would wake Ryan and he would hold me again and whisper in my ear that everything would be ok while I cried myself back to sleep. After three nights Ryan told me to stop being so stubborn and tell him what had me so scared of going to sleep.

"They wanted Aiden and they'd stop at nothing to get him. The more they research into the Other Side . . . I just know they'll come after me."

"It was only a dream. McGrath is dead." Ryan told me after I recalled the nightmare. "But if you're that anxious about it we'll move. We'll pack up and go, I have no ties here; my family is in Oregon. I'll sell the house and the CIA won't find us."

"Skipping town isn't going to solve this." I shook my head. "You and I both know there's no hiding from the CIA. They could find anybody in the world." I bowed my head and sighed. "There's something I need to tell you. The last decent thing Nathan did to me was give me a fighting chance." I pulled the envelope from my bag and put it on the counter. "A new passport and five-hundred-thousand."

"Dollars?"

"No, Rupees."

He scoffed playfully at my sarcasm and then reached for my passport, opening it curiously. "Elizabeth North. Your field alias."

"Look I know this is crazy and I wouldn't blame you if you wanted out." I began pacing the floor nervously. "I've been on my own for such a long time, and I can go it alone. I just don't want to anymore. I spent some of the money but most of its still there. Come with me?"

"Where?"

"Wherever we want to. They can look for Jodie Holmes all they want but they have no interest in Elizabeth North."

"Jodie, Nathan betrayed you. There's every chance that he put a trace on this passport to notify the agency as soon as you use it."

"How can I find out?" Ryan had brought up something that I hadn't even thought of.

"You can't, but I can." Panic set in as I realised he was planning on going back into the CIA alone.


End file.
